Press and Media

Searching for Mr./Ms. Right

Edward M. Eveld
The Kansas City Star
Published on: 08/17/2004

Searching for Mr./Ms. Right

Dating in Kansas City gets a bad rap — is it really all that hopeless?

By EDWARD M. EVELD

The Kansas City Star

Kansas City gets its share of attention from those endless city rankings of best this and worst that: fatness, fitness, kid-friendly, crime-happy, it goes on and on.

Somehow cities jump or drop multiple spots from one year's list to the next, which makes you wonder. But there's at least one category, year after year as judged by various organizations, that consistently puts Kansas City at the bottom: Best Cities for Singles.

Recently Kansas City took the No. 80 spot out of 80 metro areas in such a category, as calculated by Sperling's Best Places. Sperling's called its list “America's best and worst cities for dating.” Kansas City was the worst.

And if you don't think it hurts that Wichita beat us out at No. 79, well, you're probably married.

Sperling's isn't the only ranking organization that disses Kansas City on this topic. Forbes.com has ranked Kansas City ultra-low for years and seems to save its most acidic comments for us.

“While you'd certainly enjoy some of the world's best, not to mention cheapest, barbecue here,” sniffed one blurb, “you're likely to find yourself eating alone.” Another zinger highlighted the city's “bottom-dwelling status in culture, night life and job growth. No wonder the place is known for its blues.”

Surely all of this is going too far. Kansas City is just a convenient Midwestern punching bag, right? Probably, but some Kansas City singles are finding nuggets of truth in the negative hype, especially for singles who emerged from college without a spouse or serious prospect.

“A lot of my friends married their high school or college sweethearts,” said Dolly Wood, a single, 33-year-old occupational therapist who has lived in the area most of her life. “It gets a lot harder after school.”

Indeed, one criterion of a great place for singles is a high ratio of singles to married people. Kansas City's numbers are bad in that regard, compared to singles-happy places like Austin, Texas, and the Denver-Boulder area.

A related factor is job growth. The lack thereof also contributes to Kansas City's low score in the singles department. Unattached job-seekers often migrate to the more robustly growing metros.

But Wood doesn't like the idea of shipping off to another city. Her family is here, as is a good group of friends. Her job and community involvement mean a lot to her.

“It would be very hard to move just to go meet people,” she said.

Amy Dunn of Fairway said the problem of finding a mate in Kansas City might be more a sign of the times than evidence of Kansas City's deficiencies. Plenty of places have demographics and economics akin to Kansas City's, she said, and she's right about that. Cities such as Cincinnati and Pittsburgh don't usually fare well in singles rankings either.

Unlike past generations, Dunn said, people in their 20s and 30s, perhaps especially men, don't feel the urgency to find a committed relationship.

“I run into 30-somethings who are still in 100 percent party mode,” said Dunn, a single, 26-year-old real estate agent.

Not that all young adults are partiers. Many others, Dunn said, the ambitious types she's attracted to, aren't that interested in long-term dating either. They don't want to be distracted from their goals, she said.

Monte Monfore, a 32-year-old pharmacist, admitted he was one of those hesitant to commit. A girlfriend recently moved on because of his reluctance.

“I backed off and lost a great girl,” he said.

Monfore knows it won't be easy to find another. He moved here from South Dakota and has developed a group of friends. And while that's important, he said, it might also be part of the problem. Kansas Citians seem to move in well-delineated clusters.

“It seems like everybody is stuck in these little groups or tribes,” he said.

Singles experts don't buy the idea that Kansas City is a tougher environment than most. In fact, they said, the resources and outlets for singles are probably the best they've ever been.

Singles are meeting at civic organizations, “friends of” groups, professional meetings and churches, plus using online dating services and matchmaking companies like It's Just Lunch.

One local resource, an extensive community calendar compiled by Terry Sprick, almost inadvertently has become an aid to singles.

Sprick started his “Calendar of Events” several years ago to help local volunteer groups and fund-raisers avoid scheduling conflicts. Sprick has long been involved in recruiting volunteers. He took note when people began to use the calendar as a social schedule.

“I try to make it broad, to get people involved in things they wouldn't normally get involved in,” Sprick said.

And that makes it a good resource for meeting new people. The calendar is simply a long, ugly text list, he said, but comprehensive with more than 200 events. It includes theater openings, art events, music exhibits, charity events, volunteer groups, civic and professional meetings and sporting events. About 14,000 people receive the list from Sprick by e-mail. It's also posted on a Web site at www.singlesmall.com.

Susan Pepperdine, a public relations consultant in Overland Park, said getting out is the key to finding a potential mate.

She teaches a seminar called “How to Meet Your Mate in 90 Days or Less” at University of Missouri-Kansas City's Communiversity (this year on Oct. 5) and at Johnson County Community College (Oct. 20).

Pepperdine finds the city rankings about singles unhelpful because, even if they're accurate, few people would move to a city high on the list to get dates.

“It doesn't matter if we're 80th on the list,” she said. “There are lots of single people, and you only have to find one. But you have to push yourself. They're not going to knock on your door. You have to go find them.”

Pepperdine said singles should think of the process in three steps:

1) Prepare yourself. When you go out, think about the way you present yourself. Dress up. Be polite. Be ready to converse.

2) Go to everything. Pepperdine met her spouse at a professional association meeting. She went despite a blinding snowstorm. Why? “I was afraid not to, because I knew I might meet somebody.”

3) When you see somebody interesting, go and stand next to them. Say something simple and honest, such as, “Hi, I'd like to meet you.”

Niki McDowell, director of It's Just Lunch, which pairs clients for lunch or drinks, said single people should ignore the Kansas City bad-mouthing. People love Kansas City's friendliness, the low cost of living and, yes, the music, events and restaurants, she said.

And groups such as the Young Friends of Art and ODV, a wine-tasting club, are great ways to get involved in the community.

Clients at It's Just Lunch tend to be college-educated professionals who are busy and, obviously, don't mind being matched by a third party. Customers sometimes say they need help getting past their work and social circles, McDowell said.

“We introduced a doctor and a banker, and they told us they never would have crossed paths,” she said.

For singles feeling the need to search more widely in terms of geography, online dating is a good option, said Stephanie Schwab.

Her title is “Match Maven” at iMatchup.com, an online dating service with about 15,000 users in the Kansas City area and 2.5 million members in total.

“People are willing to drive the extra mile for a date,” Schwab said.

The iMatchup.com users tend to be concentrated in smaller cities and rural areas. About 25 percent are outside metro areas, she said.

Some crucial advice about online dating, Schwab said, is to include a photo — everybody wants to see a photo — with your posting, plus write an engaging profile of yourself. Avoid being negative, she said.

“You're asking people to evaluate you on a first impression,” Schwab said. “If you're going to do it, throw your heart into it.”

Don Davidson, an area singles pastor, said Kansas City doesn't lack for singles groups. He just published the 11th edition of his book, Guide to Singles Groups in Kansas City, available at area bookstores for $3.95.

He also leads seminars across the area and runs the Kansas City section of the singles Web site at www.singlesmall.com.

“I don't know why they picked us to be 80th,” Davidson said about the Sperling's ranking, “but there are a lot of well-organized activities going on for singles here.”

To reach Edward M. Eveld, features writer, call (816) 234-4442 or send e-mail to eeveld@kcstar.com.

________________________________________

Top FIVE dating tips

Singles resources

From Stephanie Schwab, Match Maven at iMatchup.com:

Be confident: Nothing is more attractive than a confident person. Relax and be yourself.

Be interesting: Read the newspaper and know what's going on in the world. Current events are great conversation starters.

Increase your chances: Don't limit yourself by approaching and dating one type of person. Love happens at the most unexpected times with the most unexpected people.

Be honest: People can sense when you are not being 100 percent truthful. It's a turn-off.

Start a conversation: The best opening line is to say hello. Talk about the surroundings, ask a question, state an opinion.

________________________________________

Top FIVE dating tips

Singles resources

• www.singlesonthego.com and www.singlesmall.com — Click on the Kansas City sections for lists of singles groups and events.

• Send an e-mail message to Terry Sprick at tsprick @bizkc.rr.com to receive his Calendar of Events, a list of more than 200 charitable, civic, cultural, fund-raising, social and sporting events.

• It's Just Lunch, a matching service that schedules one-on-one dates for lunch or drinks, (816) 421-5600, www.

itsjustlunch.com.

• http://www.imatchup.com, an online dating service.

• Guide to Singles Groups in Kansas City is a booklet by Don Davidson that lists groups. Available at bookstores for $3.95 or from Davidson by mail for $5. Write to P.O. Box 27222, Overland Park, Kan. 66225.

« Back To Press and Media