Newsletters - Dating Q & A
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| Advice for the lovelorn. (For confidentiality purposes, names in the following letters have been changed.) Q. Dear Rosie, About a year ago, I met a guy named "Joe" last year "online." From our first date, I was never quite sure if I was physically attracted to Joe...yet, something impelled me to keep seeing him. The situation was weird since my feelings always seemed to be in limbo...that is, I liked him enough to keep seeing him, yet didn't like him enough to give 100% of myself. That is, I didn't always shower him with hugs or kisses. Many times we would just lie on his couch and watch TV and do nothing. If we did engage in sexual relations, it was because he initiated it. Yet, many times he did not initiate sexual relations, and for the most part, he as well was almost never affectionate either. Joe would complain about my "unaffectionate" ways and I would complain back that he hardly touched me. I hung on to this relationship because Joe had many qualities I liked such as honesty, stability, good work ethic, and thoughtfulness. Toward the end of this past summer, we hardly engaged in any sexual relations since I was still "not sure" about how I felt toward Joe...and when I'm not sure about someone romantically, I guess I'm not affectionate either. Again, Joe barely made any sexual advances toward me this past summer. However, at the end of this past summer, Joe started "to shut down." That is, he would pull back when I tried to kiss him, did not want to engage in any sexual relations when I finally tried initiating. He kept telling me that he "wasn't in the mood" or just "tired." Later on, he would tell me that he "needs time to assess our relationship." What he meant by this, I found out, was that he needed "space." Joe stopped calling me altogether and when I just couldn't take it anymore, I called him and confronted the situation. He admitted to me that this relationship wasn't going to work and that he didn't love me anymore. I asked him why since he told me he loved me so many times during the course of our relationship. He replied, "I gave you my love and just got tired and fed up when I didn't get it back from you!" I replied, "If you feel that way, then you really didn't love me at all." I asked him if he met someone else and he said "no." Joe has not called me since then. The strange thing is, I realize NOW that I love Joe and only want to be with him. I think about him almost everyday and cry atleast 3 times a day feeling that I was the reason for this breakup and that I will never hear from him again. I feel like I totally blew it. But the situation is tragic, because now that I have reached clarity about my feelings for Joe, he wants now nothing to do with me. And Joe says, nothing I do or say will change his mind. Rosie, help! I hate feeling that I caused Joe to turn away from me and just throw away a 1-year invested relationship. Please, offer me your utmost honest thoughts on this situation because I feel just terrible...but don't tell me something I want to hear...I wanted the brutal truth. J.J A. Dear J.J. As hard as it is to honestly believe that this relationship is over you have to. You need to move on with your life. But as you move on you also need to learn from your experience in this relationship so that you can be better at your next. First you say that you did not give 100% of yourself to Joe. How is a relationship going to work if you are not willing to give of yourself to another person? Someone cannot truly love you if they do not know all of you. Second of all, you need to ensure that in your next relationship that you express your feelings for that person. Whether it be with a hug or even a note on a post-it that says something as simple as "Thinking of you!". As much as you need to feel wanted and loved your partner needs the same from you. Treat your next relationship how you want to be treated in a relationship. Lastly, you make it sound like you are more upset over the time you lost in your life for this one year investment. Relationships are more then a time investment; regardless of whether a relationship is 5 days or 5 years it should be about what you gained emotionally and mentally from this rather then thought of as time wasted. It seems from the beginning you didn't really want to be in the relationship with Joe, it was only once he decided that it was over that made you realize that you loved this man that you have shown no interest in besides a sexual intimacy. You settled for a relationship for a year without giving of yourself or putting effort to give of yourself until it was too late. Ask yourself if you are upset at not having Joe, but on having someone to be with. Don't settle for someone because you want physical intimacy. Relationships are more then just physical, when you meet the person that you want to give of yourself, share yourself on every level from physically to emotionally to mentally. That is when you know you aren't settling for what you have. Rosie, The Love Vixen Resident experts Rosie the LoveVixen and Stephanie the Match Maven will answer all your questions about love and romance. Send your questions to AskUs@iMatchup.com. |
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