DATING TIPS & HINTS
The Eight+ Stages of Relationships, Part 3
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Sep-12-2003 Two weeks ago we started a series of articles about relationship stages. To review the first two articles in this series, click on the following links: Part 1 Part 2 For this final article in the series, we'll address the stages a couple will experience if they do not successfully negotiate the power struggle phase of their relationship. You'll find an overview of the power struggle stage in Part 1 of this series. How a couple negotiates the power struggle stage determines what happens to their relationship and what stages they will encounter next. I cannot say enough about the importance of negotiating the power struggle stage successfully in order to keep your relationship alive and thriving. At this point in your relationship you will follow one of two tracks. Track One applies to those couples who successfully navigate through the power struggle phase, and was described in Part 2 of this series. Couples who did not negotiate the power struggle successfully and who require work in their relationship are more likely to follow Track Two. Track Two: What Happens When the Power Struggle is Over? Stage 5: Anger If the power struggle is not negotiated successfully, at some point one or both partners give up struggling. However they do not give up on the issues, on their needs, or their positions. They simply give up struggling. Because nothing has been resolved during or after the power struggle, they only have one choice -- anger. Anger can look obvious and belligerent, or quiet and passive. Either way, it is unmistakable. When it starts and how long it lasts: This stage starts after the power struggle has gone on too long. One or both partners have burned out from not getting their needs met continuously. This often does not start for years; but once started, is very difficult to turn around. The joy: There is not much joy in anger. The stumbling block: One or both people can be depressed, numb, and miserable -- a difficult place from which to affect change. This stage can kill a relationship, and is often the point in a relationship during which one or both partners have affairs. What to do: Get help! Find a therapist, a coach, or other relationship assistance and be willing to give the relationship another few good tries. This is not a stage you can fix by yourselves or with a book -- you need a good, solid third-party perspective. Stage 6: Peace with a Price Even anger can burn out after a while, leaving behind nothing but silence and often indifference. The couple, if they have made it together this far, will typically live parallel but separate lives. They will still interact on necessary issues -- such as child rearing and household responsibilities -- but will share little else. They will finally have peace, no longer demanding anything from the other, but love and passion may be all but lost. When it starts and how long it lasts: This stage can take years to develop and is often found in long-term marriages and relationships. Occasionally, this can be a phase in a fairly new relationship. Once in this stage, the couple normally does not grow out of it, unless something drastic shakes them up. The joy: At least there is peace. The stumbling block: One or both partners may be having affairs, which makes reconciliation much more difficult. One or both may have built a life too separate from the other to allow for change and improvement. What to do: If you are in this stage and miserable, get help. Even if your partner is not willing to do anything to improve the relationship, you can still go to a therapist or a coach. You can single-handedly improve your life and perhaps your relationship. Stage 7: "The Child" A "child" can be real children or it can be an idea, business, or an involvement both of you share. For a couple on Track Two, this stage is rarely a choice. It is either something that binds them together out of circumstances, or it is something one partner devised in an attempt to keep the other one from leaving or straying too far. When it starts and how long it lasts: For many couples, this stage can be the last attempt to save the relationship. This stage can happen at any time the relationship is deeply threatened. The joy: The joy is the actual entity you create together, especially if it is a child. This third entity can change your relationship dynamics somewhat, some of the time. The stumbling block: A child or a mutual involvement will not save the relationship without addressing the deeper, unresolved issues from the power struggle. What to do: If you can, try to work through the underlying issues that are preventing your relationship from working. Stage 8: Life Crisis Very few people live a charmed life without life crises. When your relationship is in ongoing crisis -- actively or silently -- change of even small magnitude can feel like life crisis. A true life crises, such as health of financial issues, can be downright overwhelming. When it starts and how long it lasts: Life crises can happen at any time. The joy: If there is joy in life crisis it is in the chance to shake your relationship up, and perhaps remind each of you how important the other one is or used to be. It may be your last chance to save your relationship. The stumbling block: Because you are already in crisis, any additional crises runs the risk of immobilizing you. You may no longer be able to function within the relationship. You or your partner may simply leave. What to do: Use this as an opportunity to support each other and reconnect. Come together as a team against the situation. Beyond Stage 8: Life Happens, But Separately What happens to a couple who never resolves the power struggle issues? They may go their separate ways. They may stay together, but effectively live separate lives and be involved in other relationships. One or both may stay and suffer silently, holding on to the hope that something will change. Regardless, they do not derive many of the benefits and joys for which people get involved in relationships. They often do not function as a couple at all. Your Relationship Coach, Rinatta Paries www.whatittakes.com (c) Rinatta Paries, 1998-2002. Do you know how to attract your ideal mate? Do you know how to build a fulfilling relationship, or how to reinvent yours to meet your needs? Relationship Coach Rinatta Paries can teach you the skills and techniques to attract and sustain long-term, healthy partnerships. Visit http://www.whatittakes.com/Archive/. where you'll find quizzes, classes, advice and a free weekly ezine. Become a "true love magnet(tm)!" |
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